Sunday, September 16, 2007

Cycle#17 Update.....

So I went to my RE on the 12th (CD4) for my U/S to r/o cysts, and luckily there were none!! So this month's plan is as follows:
1500 mg Metformin @ HS
Clomid 100 mg CD 4-8
Next U/S on Weds 9/19 to check my follies. Depending on that u/s they will tell me when to Trigger (which will be Ovidrel 250mg). I may need to go back for additional u/s on Thurs and/or Friday as well.

I honestly must say I am much more laid back and relaxed about this cycle, I guess because I don't have to stress myself out POAS (OPK's that is) trying to fiigure out if my 2nd line is dark enough or not etc. I feel we'll be much more on top of whats going on "inside" me.

I pray so hard that this will be the cycle (I do this each cycle as do we all).

I catch myself daydreaming that if I get PG this month, I'd have a June baby!! If I get PG this cycle, what a great 8 years together Aniversary my hubby and I would be able to celebrate!!!
I could tell my mom in some really cute neat way, and she would be so excited !!!!!!

It seems I've got it all worked out, except the actual getting PG, but I just know, deep down inside, that this is going to be our magic month!!! The Lord is on our side for this, I just know it!

I will continue to have faith and believe that our plan is going to work and we are going to get good news!!

Monday, September 10, 2007

RE's office truly pissed me off today

So I call my RE's office today to schedule my cd 3 ultrasound to check for cysts so I can get a new RX for Clomid, and the ditzy ass receptionist "Star", answers, puts me on hold for FIVE FRIGGIN minutes, where I am forced to listen to the pre-recorded message playing over and over again, that says "INFERTILE" about 27 times....... (love it when a non-human rubs salt in an open wound!!). Star comes back on, giggles about how long I've been holding, AND THEN HAS THE BALLS TO PUT ME BACK ON HOLD AGAIN to pull up her scheduling page on the computer. She comes back like 3 mins later, and I finally get my ultasound scheduled for tomorrow. 10 minutes later, I'd wasted 1/3 of my morning break at work.

So then I call my insurance company to see if they will cover an "ultrasound to r/o cysts", to which the girl replies, "Yep, it is covered at 100% minus your $35 co-pay". Great news, however it pisses me off to no end that my RE made me pay out of pocket for last months U/S, at the low low cost of $138!!! I asked them to submit it, to see if my insurance would pay, and she refused to even try to submit it!!!!!!!! So if they think I'm paying $138 for it tomorrow they are sorely mistaken, and I'm going to have a piss fit, until they re-submit for last months, and reimburse me somehow for the $100 I was out for last month!!!!!!!!!

I'm no dummy, the RE wanted to push me to pay OOP for it, as they will get the full $138, where-as if the insurance company pays them, it would be for a contracted amount, more like $50 or $60!!!

Man, it just truly pisses me off!!!!

Just another perk of why it sucks dealing with IF!!!

Sunday, September 9, 2007

My August Plan (Cycle # 16)

So, where did I leave off......
Okay, back to the RE in July, we sat and talked about options for the coming cycle.
The original plan:
Continue the Met ER 1500 mg at night
have and ultrasound on day 3 to check for cysts, and if no cysts, would start 100 mg Clomid CD's 3-7 and have a 2nd ultrasound (as I've never gotten + OPK's) , do a trigger and IUI.

After I sat on it for a few days, I wasn't ready to pay $800 OOP for the IUI (I'm one of the "lucky" one's whose insurance pays 100% diagnostic and not a friggin' dime for treatment. (not even for Rx's) when I wasn't sure if the Clomid would even work (since 50mg never worked for me). So I took it upon myself to change our plan. I went for a CD 4 ultrasound (my RE's a/c broke and had to reschedule me for the next day at a different center).

I went to have the ultrasound, and got great news that there were NO CYSTS!!!! (I felt a huge stepping stone as the last time I had an ultrasound, I was loaded with cysts on both ovaries). I got my RX for 100 mg Clomid and popped my first pill at the John Mayer Concert!!! LOL. (what a momentous way to remember your first dose of being back on Clomid).

I started doing OPK's on cd 10 (aug 12th), which produced only a control line. By the 16th, I began seeing a very faint second line which I felt was another stepping stone as never in my life had I ever gotten a second line on a OPK!!! My predicted "O" day was supposed to be CD 21 and on that day, mid afternoon it did feel as though I had ovulated. I had a series of three kinda sharp weird pains where my Right ovary is about 90 seconds apart. Considering our BD timing, I truly felt we had a great chance and was very very hopeful.

I tested at 10 DPO which was a waste of time, and of course was a BFN!! So thus started my not so hopeful outlook....... (we all know, it simply doesn't matter what day you actually POAS, it still stings like a slap in the face when we see only the control line or "not PG". So last Sunday was 13 dpo, was still a BFN, and I totally crashed, hit rock bottom and felt like I was hitting rock bottom. My husband and I had the day off together, and I was in such a sad, depressed and down-and-out mood, that he asked me one question, I lost it, and spent 1/2 the morning bawling. I was on such a roller coaster ride. I sobbed, I felt sorry for myself, I felt bad for my husband, just aweful all the way around. I was bad enough that he asked me if I felt I needed t0 "talk" to someone (aka a professional), which I quickly declined. (See normally I'm always "ON", always upbeat and fun and joking, so when I'm not, which is rare, people come at me like don't be such a debbie downer......... like I'm not ever allowed to have a bad day) I simply explained to him that I need to be allowed to have a bad day once in awhile. A day where I don't have to be the ROCK that everyone leans on.......... a day where I can be sad, or cry or be angry at the Fertility Gods who simply won't cut me a break......

I worked thru it, and made it thru the day, and the days that followed. I took another test on Weds 9-4 which was the day AF was supposed to arrive.......... and she hadn't shown any signs of coming. And can you guess what my results of that test were?? Yep .............. a BFN!!!!!!!! I didn't even shed a tear..... I guess I knew on Sunday when I had my big breakdown and got it all out of my system that day instead.

Finally AF reared her ugly ass yesterday (the 8th), so it looks like I will be calling my RE tomorrow morning to schedule another US.............. and I think this time we'll be going the Clomid, Trigger and IUI route.

So here's to making Cycle #17 be the lucky one that gives us a baby!!!!!!!!!! I'll continue to wear my St. Gerard necklace each and everyday and will cont to pray to St. Gerard, God and who ever else might listen in hopes of upping our chances of getting PG.

To Sum up What's wrong with me.........

For those who don't know, here is my story.
About 16 months ago, after being with my husband for 7 years (married 2 of them) we had never gotten PG and had never ever used protection. (I've pretty much had irregular periods my whole life, and just assumed that was normal for me. None of my doctors ever really seemed super concerned. ) One night while doing some BD'ing, something felt wrong, and turns out there was something very wrong!! I had a huge clot, larger than a saucer, come out of me, followed by uncontrollable bleeding. Every time I tried to stand up it would poor out of me. I was soaking thru supers and pads every 30 mins and my husband was begging to take me to the hospital. I flat out refused as I wasn't letting some strange ER Dr. I didn't even know start messing with me. The next day it had started to lighten up a bit, enough to where I didn't feel as though it were life or death anyways. About a week later I was Finally able to get in to see a new OB/GYN (a she, which made me feel at ease), had me go for labs, started me on Provera, which just as I was about to STOP bleeding, Provera MADE ME START BLEEDING AGAIN!! I think in all I bled for almost 7 weeks......... it was horrible. I was exhausted and anemic! My GYN also sent me for a trans vag ultrasound as well, which is when I finally got my diagnosis of PCOS. FINALLY a reason why my stinkin' body is doing the things it is doing!!!!!!!

We managed my period with Provera every 30 days, and about 3 months later we tried 50 mg of Clomid, which I believe never worked as I never got a + OPK or a BFP. We did the clomid thing for 5 cycles, unmonitored by my GYN, (I honestly didn't know any better that I should have been monitored). Finally when I went back to her in January, we talked, I cried, and we decided that I should be referred on to an RE d/t lack of progress and my age is a factor as well (then 34, now 35).

She sent me to a great RE who I really like who seems pretty thorough as well. Insists on monitoring etc. He changed me to 1500 mg Metformin ER and that has pretty much regulated my cycles now, (I think I only missed AF one month, but at that time was going thru some pretty horrible family tragedies so I think stress kept AF away).

I had some delay's getting my Husband to do his one little part in having an SA done. He kept procrastinanting ( I think that he was a tiny bit afraid that he might be the cause of our troubles as well as he did some naughty stuff way back in his past). I had to finally lay it all out on the line with him, and it took me cancelling a f/u with my RE for him to get the test done. Turns out my DH has super swimmers (217 million pre-wash)...... great morph and motility--- so he's definately not the problem.

The day I got his #'s back, I think I hit one of my low's. It was such a blow to me, like someone had totally knocked the wind out of my sails....... right there, plain and simple on paper, I AM THE ONE WHO IS BROKEN. I AM THE REASON WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO HAVE BABIES!!!!! I spent 1/2 a day in bed crying, w/ my husband consoling me, and got back up, dusted myself off and faced the world again.

We returned to the RE in July, where we made a plan................
okay-- this blog has become really long so I'll start another one with Augusts' plan after this.

Okay-- back up and running.....

for some odd reason, I created my blog and then couldn't get back into it so stopped trying. I finally decided to try again today, and I'm finally able to get back to it.

Will keep this short, just wanted to update as to why I started Aug.3 and now its September 9th!!

Friday, August 3, 2007

A Place to Start....

Well, I guess this will start a new blog for me, somewhere to work out my thoughts/feelings about this wonderful Infertility journey I'm on.

Basically, every day feels like a rollercoaster. Most days it feels like everywhere I go and everywhere I look, there is something that smacks me in the face of the fact that I haven't been able to get PG!!! Babies in carts, PG woman, or worse yet, PG teens, commercials on TV, the baby aisle in the grocery store that is conveniently placed across from the cookies or better yet the juice!!!

I see little babies and toddlers and I instantly ache inside. My heart feels empty, and my brain goes into overdrive and I wonder if I'll ever get my chance. My heart also aches at the fact that I feel as though I am depriving my husband of his chance to be a father. He and I have talked about this multiple times, and I know that he loves me entirely and doesn't share my ill feelings about robbing him.

I honestly do believe deep down that we will have a child, I just fear when as I'm certainly not getting any younger.

Okay-- I won't carry on and on as this is my first blog here. But I'm gonna try to come here everytime IF is pushing me over the edge (which is ridiculously frequent these days!)